| "Broken
Connections" By Susan Tompkins,
LCSW, Executive Director
Recently many of us from JOH had
the opportunity to meet and hear in person Sherrie Eldridge, adopted
person and author of several well known books- About adoption. “20
Things Adopted Children Wish their Adoptive Parent’s Knew,” is her
best known book and one that is often part of the JOH service plan
for adopting parents. From the book reviews we receive back from
the adopting parents we know that her ideas often hit them the wrong
way, that they feel much irritation and even anger at what they read
in her pages.
So, it was with great
anticipation that we met Sherrie in person and had her speak to a
Group of JOH parents at Annual Reunion in Chicago. We believe that
Sherrie’s ideas are important for all adoptive parents to read- About
as preparation for adoption, although we acknowledge that not all
adopted children and adults will have all or part of her “20 things”
as part of their emotional history and makeup.
We were surprised that many
“old-timer” JOH families showed up to hear Sherrie. In speaking
with them before and after the presentation, all of them expressed
similar reasons for coming. “Our 8 year old no longer wants ‘gotcha
day’ celebrations and is talking more and more- About the reasons for
her adoption.” “Our ten year old talks a lot- About her birth mother
and we just don’t know what to say.” Or, the generic, “It’s clear
our child has adoption issues and we need all the help and insight
we can get.”
Adopting families who may have
been dismayed and defensive- About Sherrie Eldridge prior to their
child showing “issues” were at the presentation with minds wide open
seeking help and guidance.
Meeting Sherrie was quite
interesting – this author who gets people riled up by her ideas is
the most gracious and kind person, very willing to listen to those
who have questions as well as those who feel anger at what was her
experience. One woman in the audience was clearly unhappy by what
she was hearing. Sherrie was most patient as they interacted and
Sherrie answered her as best she could. Finally, the woman said, as
an end to the dialogue, “I just find it upsetting that I can’t
provide everything my adopted child will need.”
That to me is Sherrie’s message
in a nutshell. Our adopted children come to us with all of their
connections broken and we can’t become those connections. We, the
new family, will be the strongest of all their attachments but we
have to honor and keep the original connections, as much as
possible, for the best in their emotional health. If I put myself
in many adopting families’ shoes, coming to adoption after major
loss and disappointment, I’d be mad too. All we want is a child to
love and nurture. What do you mean we can’t be EVERYTHING to our
child? More heart breaking news to contend with – but this
information can be denied easily. We can join all the people on the
“train with the pink tinted windows,” to quote Ms. Eldridge.
The great thing is that once our
children start to exhibit “issues” we love them so much that we’d do
anything to make them happy and whole. That’s when we start to read
and really begin to hear what Sherrie Eldridge and others have to
say. We like to think that JOH families will remember their
pre-adoption readings and other preparations and come back to it
when and if they need the help. We’d be deeply remiss in the
education of adoptive parents if we jumped on board the train with
the pink tinted windows.
Copyright Journeys Of The Heart
Adoption Services 2008 All Rights Reserved
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