We were eating dinner and talking excitedly about the upcoming trip to Romania to meet Tino’s birth mother, Ecaterina, when I noticed that Lillianna had her head bowed and was no longer eating. When I spoke her head bobbed up and tears were streaming down her face. "Why does Tino get to meet his birth mother and I don’t? This is unfair. Will I ever meet my birth mother?"

This was one of many conversations and crying sessions we would have with Lillianna prior to meeting Ecaterina. Needless to say meeting Ecaterina was the most important event in our lives since adopting the children. But it certainly did pose a problem in our family with two daughters who would give anything to know their birth mothers but who probably never would, due to the circumstances of their births and adoptions.

David and I discussed this problem often.  What to do when one child has the possibility of meeting and forming a relationship with a birth parent and another child in the family does not. As more adopting families are recognizing the importance of keeping a relationship with a birth parent if possible, this question is being asked of us more and more.

There is no doubt that Lillianna, who has clearly expressed her grief at not knowing her birth mother to us since she understood the concept of "birth mother," was hurting badly. The fact that a sibling could meet his birth mother dramatized her own loss even more.

We wept with her. We talked about the sadness of it, the loss of it, perhaps Lillianna’s anger about it. We talked about the possibility of future DNA testing for the adopted children and the women who might be their birth mothers in China if that country liberalized it’s views about the abandonment of children. We also discussed how unfair it would be if Tino lost the opportunity to meet his birthmother, because it would hurt her feelings. How Ecaterina, the birth mother who made an adoption plan for him and whom we assumed grieved for him, would not know what had happened to him, whom he was living with, or if he was safe.

We read books about birth mothers and letters from birth mothers to their children. We cried some more. Lillianna’s tears were so real and heartfelt our hearts broke with each tear she shed. On the plane to Romania Lillianna did not speak of her grief. There were times when I would look over and she would be quietly crying. All the words had already been said and we both knew and accepted that.

When the incredible day came and Ecaterina met and wept over Tino every person in the room was crying. Lillianna admitted that while she was happy for the two of them she was also still crying about her inability to meet and know her birth mother.

As we write to Ecaterina, speak to her over the phone and plan the next time we can be together, we cannot imagine denying either Tino or Ecaterina, or us for that matter, the great joy, unconditional love and emotional closure that their relationship brings.

If you ask Lillianna her favorite part of the trip to Romania, which included many interesting things for children, she will tell you that it was meeting Ecaterina. The fact that Ecaterina included her so warmly and told her to consider Ecaterina as her birth mother really helped. We will always be grateful to Ecaterina for the great wisdom and compassion she showed to Lillianna.

Lillianna and I still talk about how unfair it all is, about the time we visited her abandonment site in China wondering if her birth mother lives close by, how incredible Ecaterina is, and how lucky we are to have found her and have her in our lives.  We look at the enlarged pictures of Ecaterina and Tino that now grace our walls.

In retrospect, David and I believe that knowing Ecaterina also enriches Lillianna’s life. Ecaterina put this issue on our family’s table. It forced us to help Lillianna discuss and grieve about it. If every loss must be grieved, Lillianna is grieving the loss of her birth mother and the possibility of meeting her in a healthy way. Lillianna has learned early that life is not fair and good things are not always equally dealt out. Should we have made things fair for her by not meeting Ecaterina? We easily could have done so but we think not.

Sometimes we find adoptive parents feel that each child must have the same adoption experience and that prevents them from reaching out to birth parents or doing the type of adoption that would allow this rich and important experience. But, life often intervenes in strange ways. Open adoptions sometimes close because of the circumstances of the birth parent. Closed adoptions are sometimes opened. As is often the case, what we plan never comes to pass or changes so dramatically that our original plan is unrecognizable. As much as we want equality of experience for our adopted children and sometimes try to mastermind it, we find that it is not always in the cards.

Our experience tells us to reach out to your child’s birth parent or to go with the open adoption experience even if your other children do not have it. We know that we are all enriched beyond any description because of our relationship with Ecaterina. Even though it brings some pain and forces her to deal with this issue now, Lillianna would tell you the same thing.

With Minus the dog!	Lilli and Susan visit Seattle.

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