"Time-Outs Can Be Damaging For Adopted Children"

by Susan Tompkins, executive director
Journeys of the Heart
Winter 2002/2003 Heartstrings

Child experts agree that a time-out can be an effective strategy to discipline a child if used infrequently and for the right behavior problem. The technique involves placing a child in a boring place for several minutes following unacceptable behavior. The time-out is thought to be particularly effective if the child is very angry or having a tantrum. The child is removed from the situation, action, or toy that has caused the problem. This isolation can calm the parent as well as the child, and has the added benefit of taking away the child's freedom to play and interact with friends and family. With any form of discipline, the goal is to discourage inappropriate behavior and teach the child coping skills. Experts tell us that if time-outs are used infrequently and for very brief periods (no more than 2-3 minutes) they may be effective. Used often or inappropriately, however, time-out may be ineffective or even damaging to a child.

What about time-outs for the adopted child? For the last several years, adoption experts have warned that time-outs should not be used and can be damaging to adopted children. Any child who has been isolated, perhaps in an orphanage or neglectful family of origin, should clearly not be isolated from family for any reason. Time-outs can damage or reverse the bonding process that adoptive parents work so hard to establish. In addition, the core issues of adoption which plague many adopted children (loss, rejection, and shame) can be reinforced by time-outs.

One alternative is a "time-in," described by psychologists in several ways:
1) Keep the child with you in the same room but have them sit in a chair for several minutes away from fun or engaging activities.
2) Figure out what's going on with your child and what type of change needs to occur. Then act decisively to change or interrupt the behavior. Ask the child what they think about the behavior. This invites them to think and be responsible. Assist them in making amends if another child or person is involved.

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