"Girls With Wills Of Iron"

by Susan Tompkins, executive director
Journeys of the Heart
Summer 2005 Heartstrings

Mayra, who is Native American, and Naomi, who is Marshallese, are two darling five year old girls who recently touched my heart.  Their birth mothers wanted to give them a different life through adoption. 

I remain in awe of Mayra and Naomi who found the inner courage and iron will to leave their mothers, siblings, culture and the only homes they have ever known and step into the unknown.  Fortunately, both girls came to the best of adoptive families who will nurture the girls’ already forming ethnic identity and who will help the girls stay in contact with their birth families.  

I watched both dear girls summon up the courage, strength and emotional resources to make the move.  Although anger is probably the most common emotion children have during and after such a transition, Mayra and Naomi chose grace, good humor and a few coping behaviors.

Mayra visited my home right before joining her new family.  For what seemed like 100 times she ran up and down our stairs, with our dog barking at her heels, enjoying a new game.   Quiet games and activities did not suit her need to sooth her anxiety.  Naomi showed her sadness by tears, a more traditional grief reaction.

But, both girls shared the courage to face the unknown and face it they did.  I can only hope that their lives are filled with all things good.  I know that their adoptive parents will help them through their grief with love, patience, guidance and commitment. 

We adoptive parents face the unknown as well.   Though quite a bit of the process is out of our hands, we have some control over the decisions

we make and who we ask into our homes for the rest of our lives.  We decide- About the race, age, gender and the country of origin our child will come from.  We receive pictures and sometimes a video of the child.  We have medical reports to scour over and send to an international adoption doctor for more assessment, if we wish.   On rare occasions, a parent will get to the country, meet the child and decide to not adopt the child.

All of the decisions we make seem reasonable to us and give us a lot of control.  Our sweet children do not have any say at all.  They must go with whomever the agency, the government, or the attorney has given them as parents.  Adoption is a major life-altering experience over which they have no input.

It is no wonder that one of the core issues of adoption is that of “control.”   Adoptive families report frequently that their children are quite stubborn and strong-willed.   One study regarding adopted children reports that as adolescents, adopted children get into more power struggles with their parents, than do biological children.  Making up for the lack of power in their earlier years, our children can unconsciously push for their will to be done.  Strong wills can serve a person well in life.  I think of our friend who was adopted at the age of 14 from Korea.  Her strong-will and considerable talents have propelled her into an incredibly rich life where she is wife, mother, social worker, lawyer, and social work professor at a major university, and an international child advocate.  The strength of her convictions, as well as determination and persistence, all markers of a strong-willed person, help her flourish as the remarkable individual she is.

Consider our children’s courage and how it forms their personalities and values. 

We are a privileged group as we foster the lives of children who have had a major life-altering event, and who emerge as individuals with a unique perspective and frequently, wills of iron.

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